You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
