I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
