god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
