i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
