I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
