My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
