So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
