hell yes lets make some ravioli
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
