She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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