Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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