You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
