btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
