i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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