There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
