i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
