Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
