Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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