Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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