I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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