i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
