How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
