it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i love accidental penises.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
