you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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