I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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