dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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