nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
