I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
