it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Pooping to opera.
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