My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
