I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
