Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
