When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize