that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have feelings that need drinking.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
