go do what you do best...puke behind churches
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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