Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
