my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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