I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The air was thick with penises
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
