I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
