wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
