I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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