sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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