the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
