You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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