I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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