I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
