good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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