I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
