if you like me you must not know who I am
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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