sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
