So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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