between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
