Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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