I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
