the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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