Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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