community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
