Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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