Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
