No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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