I think I won the penis lottery.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
